There's no easy way dodging these life suckers, we just have to make our way through the shit swamp that is aka 'a break-up'. I think we will all agree break-ups are one of the worst things EVER.
The worst part is when it's just happened and all you want is for them to make you feel better. To give you a comforting hug, to tell you it's going to be ok, And it's literally the last thing you should have because you need to move on and learn to do life without them. And trust me, you can TOTALLY do that.
If you've recently gone through a break-up, there's a lot going through your precious mind. In the early days, when it's still fresh, you will wake up and remember what has happened and feel so unbelievably sad. It's like you're remembering it all over again. As the days go by, one day at a time, it WILL get easier and you won't feel so sad in your sweet broken heart, I promise. Time is the greatest healer.
A break-up is basically grieving. It's the feeling of major loss. You're grieving the what could've been, your future together and the sudden idea of not doing life with your now ex, like you both expected. It can honestly make you feel like someone's stomped on your heart and stomach in Doc Martens and you can't breathe 'it hurts so much'. Deep breaths, even through the snotty ugly cries. (Maybe not too deep while you're crying, you might choke).
There's a super cool app that total girl boss Zoë Foster Blake has created called 'Break-Up Boss'. It sends you supportive messages each day and has heaps of helpful advice for whatever stage of the break-up you're at. Zoë explains why women grieve and process the end of a relationship the way we do, it's actually science.
"Women feel break-ups harder because we're evolutionarily wired to invest more than men do into our partnerships. Our primitive brain expects a baby when we bond with someone, so we don't just mourn the loss of the relationship, but also the expectation of a child/ future with them." (Zoë Foster Blake, Break Up Boss)
TRUST THE PROCESS
If you're like me you might process things hard and fast. I get super upset at the start, like cry basically non stop for a day or two, or ok maybe three days straight then it peters out and I might feel the odd wobble here and there but eventually I'm sweet.
Maybe you'll try going out with your friends too soon and get drunk and come home and cry yourself to sleep into your chicken nuggies at 2.30am. I mean I know I've been there. After one break-up I ate chocolate every day for two weeks. It really helped. I mean it's not like I was on meth. #silverlinings
MY TIPS TO GET THROUGH A BREAK-UP
1. Self-care will be your #1 hon. I went through self-care practices in detail in my post 'This one is for the girls (boys you can read it too'. Focus on looking after yourself, making yourself happy again and super strong one day at a time. Before you know it you will feel really good again, like better than you ever have PROMISE.
2. NO texting the ex. No calling, no form of messaging NO CONTACT. This will allow you to move on properly. You need the space. If you don't it will just delay the process.
3. Ideally delete, block them on social media. You know you're a psychopath slash EVERY girl does this, checks how long ago they were online, what they're liking on Instagram. STOP looking at what they're up to. It's not going to make you feel any better, in fact it'll make you feel 10x worse. If you aren't able to stop yourself from looking then you have to delete them.
4. CRY. Let it out. The more you get out, the sooner you will feel better. You gotta get it out of you. It's a process and with each cry, you let go of a little more sadness (and snot) and a lot more happiness can come in.
5. Drink lots of water. You need to rehydrate yourself after all of the crying, which by the way is totally normal LET THAT SHIT OUT. SATAN BE GONE!
6. Lean on your best friends. All of us go through break-ups so we can support each other and help our fellow galpals through the emotional yucky times. I've literally driven to my best friend's house (and had them come to me) because I had been crying all day and just needed a hug and a pal. Sometimes it's nice to be with someone you trust and just gets it and you. You are not alone. There are so many people who care about you and love you so much, just reach out to them and let them take care of you.
7. Take yourself for little walks. On the beach, through the park. Being around trees and nature in the fresh air will lift your spirit. Also nature has super healing powers. So go give a tree a good hug. Sit with your pretty little face in the sunshine. Do some yoga. Be kind to your precious body and mind.
8. Listen to music. Music is proven to lift your energy vibrations. Not sad music. I find gangster rap helps me. 2Pac, Biggie, Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg have really got me through some shit. Pop bangers do the trick too. IT’S BRITNEY BITCH.
9. Focus on you for a while. This is a super cool opportunity for you to transform and grow. Work out what you do and don't want. Being single for a while is actually so great. It's all about YOU right now. Enjoy it. Do things that are good for your soul.
10. Keep busy! Book a holiday. Having something to look forward to right now is key. Book in catch-ups with friends, get stuck into a stack of books, listen to interesting and uplifting podcasts, get a new hobby. Netflix and snacks are also your besties right now.
TRY TO BE THANKFUL AS F'D UP AS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT NOW
I know it may sound strange and it may take you a little while to feel this way, but be thankful for it. This break-up has allowed you to let go of something that no longer serves your best interests. It wasn't working anymore and wasn't meant to be. You're better off being single than in an unhappy, crappy relationship.
IT'S TOTALLY OK TO GET HELP
If you feel really, really unbearably sad and it doesn't seem to be getting better over time, it is a GREAT idea to talk to someone about it. In New Zealand your GP can refer you to a counsellor for four free sessions. There's is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It's just like when you get a new job you might need to do a course. You see a counsellor to learn new skills and ways of coping in tricky situations and dealing with painful emotions.
I've found talking to a counsellor can help you gain perspective of the situation and what has really happened, rather than getting overwhelmed by emotions. Once you're able to see the break-up for what is is, you will feel a lot lighter and better. I used to blame myself in break-up situations due to an underlying belief that I wasn't good enough. Once I worked on that I learnt that this is 100% not true, I am a good person, I gave it my best and tried to make it work, and that's all you can do.
WHERE TO GET HELP
YOU HAVE GOT THIS (REPEAT AFTER ME 'I HAVE GOT THIS')
You have 100% got this girlfriend. As each day passes, it will get easier and you will feel better. A little more happiness will creep in and you know what? You're going to feel happier than you ever have before. You might not be able to believe that just yet but trust me, sunshine is coming. You've made it through the first day, week, month, well done you! You're doing so well.
"The growth and beauty of women when they resurface after a break-up is breath taking' (Zoë Foster Blake)