DATING IN 2018
I talked about dating and social pressures in my previous post 'Love, dodging the F boys (my Mum tells me off for swearing) and living your best life', but honestly have you tried dating in 2018? It's a cooked and twisted game right? It's like a real life game of snakes and ladders. One minute you're up the top of the ladder feeling a million bucks because you rolled a six, the next you're sliding down a slippery snake (slash you've been snaked) and you've fallen hard on your cute little butt (you've been doing your squats haven't you I CAN SEE DEM BOOTY GAINS GURL YAAS YOU ARE FIRE!). That punisher you sit next to at work might be like "I honestly don't understand how you're still single, I met Dennis when I was 17 and we were married at 19, a house, three kids by 28 and the rest is history." Yeah well you know what Susan, houses were like $5, online dating and social media didn't exist and it wasn't as hard as it is now. The term 'Fuck Boy' hadn't been invented yet so how about you zip it, I am honestly sick of your judgemental shit!
Dating apps like Tinder have really changed the dating game. And not only the dating game, but now the average person will experience some crazy ass dates and messages, There are so many stories and screenshots of conversations you see shared on social media, When you think about it, it's kind of a crazy concept that you can end up on a date with someone you've only met because of an app which connects you with people based on your geography. (There's something to add the geography NCEA curriculum am I right?) "So how did Anna meet Dave again?" BECAUSE OF GEOGRAPHY OK SUSAN, LOOK IT UP!
DATING APP SCIENCE
Research has found that males and females use dating apps like Tinder very differently. Scientists at Queen Mary University of London, Sapienza University of Rome and Royal Ottawa Health Care Group studied the behaviour of Tinder users and found women generally only swipe right (yes) for men they're seriously interested in, while men are less picky. They found only 7% of male matches sent a message compared to 21% of women. The study found most women use dating apps to find a long term partner, whereas most men like the instant gratification of a match, a boost to their ego and then get on with their every day life without pursuing things further. So as the science tells us, there are a few flaws.
I don't know about you, but I find it hard enough keeping up with txts, emails, all of the social media apps on our phones let alone the added admin of messaging people on dating apps. When I've been on Tinder in the past I'd have quick swipe for five minutes then turn it off. ALWAYS TURN IT OFF! (Shame you don't want people seeing you on there.) Then 'ping ping ping', multiple matches and messages and I would look at them and think 'Oh FFS how am I going to reply to all of these?' There's the stage five clinger guy who messages you six times in a row before you even had a chance to check them, with draining crap like ''Why haven't you messaged me back yet?'' and a direct quote ''Do I need to send help? Have your hands been cut off so you can't message back?'' No mate, I've only just seen the first of your fifty messages and like hell I'm going to go on an actual date with you or give you my number if this is how you are before we've got to that point. And guys like to make out that girls are crazy? Well first of all, you're not wrong, sometimes we're fucking nuts ok. You try having all these hormones and emotions 24/7. I don't think crazy and clingy is gender specific.
I find using dating apps and dating uses a lot of energy, which can seem wasted on something that's not going to eventuate. And that doesn't mean I don't give things a go, more that I'm selective and careful with my energy, who I spend it with and what I spend it on. Life is short, the weeks fly by. Do I really want to spend two weeks messaging Jamal (no offence to any Jamal's it was just the first name that popped into my head and gave me a little lol) when I could use that energy and time on my projects, friends, travelling, anything but wasting it on something that may be temporary and not worth it.
When it comes to dating, you need to be in the right mindset. You need to feel super strong and happy in yourself. I've learnt this from my own dating experiences where it would often trigger anxiety. I worked out why this was happening and I'll explain it in a future post I'm already working on.
A few things I've learnt:
- You need to treat dating like an extra thing in your already full and happy life. Don't get sidetracked and forget about all of the good things you are doing. Stay in your lane, the dating, the guys/ gals are extras.
- Your vibe is responsible for what you attract. When you're happy, strong, having fun and things are really good you are carefree and at peace. Good things will come your way and people will want to be around you because they're attracted to your sparkly bundle of gorgeousness. How do you improve your mindset and vibe? Constant self-care, which I outline step by step in my post 'This one is for the girls (boys you can read it too)'
- Sometimes things just don't work out, it wasn't meant to be and you haven't met the right person yet. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, you could literally do everything 'right' and it still may not work out. Trust that it will all work out in time for your highest good. I went into more detail on this in my post 'Love, dodging the f boys (my mum tells me off for swearing) and living your best life'
- YOU ARE THE PRIZE remember that. I know dating can be bit disheartening but fill yourself up with all the self-love as un-Kiwi as that is. You are a super cool babe with a lot to offer, You're beautiful, smart, kind and funny and someone (the right person) one day will be very lucky to have you in their life.
THE STORY OF DORA'S BIG DRUGGO BROTHER
I recently caught up with a good galpal of mine I hadn't seen in ages. Over the course of our four hour catch up of brunch, numerous decaf coconut milk lattes, long blacks and later beers we worked out we had dated the same guy at the same time and he did something pretty shitty to both of us. At least it's a good story and we had a good LOL.
Confession, the story starts with me going on two dates in one night. It was a Saturday night and I had plans, but first I went on a dinner date with a nice guy my friend had set me up with. After dinner and approx 4 jugs of sangria he found out his car had been towed. I offered to Uber him to the tow yard. It was so awkward and I felt really bad for him, like should I give him money to help pay for it? I mean it's not my fault he parked across someone's driveway in Ponsonby, aka the worst suburb to commit a parking crime in. We bid adieu and I met up with some friends and a guy I was messaging. He'd hit me up with the old "I've always wanted to date you". We had a really fun night and he basically begged if he could stay at mine. I later discovered it was because he lived with his ex, also the mother of his child. He wanted to take me out for dinner a week later, it was a really lovely evening until he took me to his work function. Let me just point out it was a Sunday night and he all of a sudden decided he wanted to find drugs. Anything he could get his hands on, He started his desperate search and ditched me. He looked right through me like I didn't exist. So yeah I got ditched on a date, on a Sunday night by a guy who probably found some crushed up panadol or rubbish pinga's.
I was quite angry and got an Uber home, He messaged the next day all apologetic, It made me feel really crap about myself if I'm completely honest.
Fast forward a year or so later my friend and I worked out the following Thursday she went on a date with him, he turned up with a backpack and after an hour he told her to go home because he was going to get high in the bathroom.
I probably should've seen warning bells when he was having benders on week nights (sorry hon but Tuesday nights aren't really a good night for me to go out). Or when I had a warning dream (I have these sometimes, some may say it's crazy but I have dreams with messages, warnings or about things that actually end up happening). While I was dating him I dreamt about a chaotic situation, police were involved, screaming, blood and violence. I knew when I woke up I couldn't see him anymore and that he was dangerous,
Let's just say there were a few red flags (perhaps a slight understatement). Moral of the story, if a guy wearing a backpack and has horrendous halitosis comes your way RUN FOR THE HILLS FORREST! Like seriously who are you? Dora's big druggo brother? In all seriousness from my personal experience (far greater than what I have outlined above) dating druggies is a bad idea. It's an absolute mind F. Would not recommend.
DON'T DO IT
Don't date people that do shitty things to you or make you feel bad about yourself. You are a QWEEN, an absolute gem with a heart of gold (and blood) and you don't deserve that crap. Lift your standards, respect yourself! KNOW YOUR WORTH GIRL. You are a 10/10 and so much more.
BAD DATING EXPERIENCES
I asked my Instagram followers if they'd had any bad/ weird/ interesting dating experiences, here are some of the replies.